cmt.

Yesterday, I finally truly knew the meaning of helpless. Wished I was there to see you for myself, to see your condition, which initially I thought was not at all bad, but our friends said it was. And you had to be on morphine. I guess the pain, it must have been too much.

And to think .. he could even sent me a pic of his dinner, a few hours before he got admitted. And when I kept thinking back on the last msg he sent to me, the floodgates just opened. At that time, it didn't happened yet.

This incident taught, showed and made me realise a lot of things. Even if other people can't understand. Is this how it feels like to come close to losing a loved one? The sis asked me if I was feeling bad, about the fact that we broke up, but honestly, it is not that. The feeling that overwhelms my entire mind, and heart, is the feeling that I might lose this very important person in my life. And somehow, I can't imagine my life without him. And as I'm typing this, I am crying uncontrollably because I can't even imagine that happening. As much as I try not to think about it, flashbacks of our past zoomed by in my mind. In less than a month, it'll be our 7th year together. So many ups and downs since then, and we've went through a lot, noone can ever imagine.

I wish I could see him for myself. Instead of always relying on Iqbal for updates. Its hurting to know that I can't be there. Its hurting to know he's in pain, and I can't do anything about it. Even though I know he is strong and that he can overcome anything. But this was the very reason that brought him to this state. Because he must have kept quiet about the pains that he had prior to this, and now, it has come to this stage.

I wish he was able to read the messages I've sent him, but as far as I can tell from the bbm, the messages have been delivered but not read. I don't even know whether the phone is with him. Even if it is, he might be too weak to hold it.

Hang in there, Afiq. You have to get through this. I still need you to tolerate my nonsense, to irritate me, to gossip, to discover new things together, to be lame and stupid together. And when I am back, you can forget about eating those unhealthy foods anymore.
Sent from Blackberry Wireless Handheld