for one thing.

You know you're getting old when..

you see most of your friends/acquaintances getting married/engaged/have babies.
you would rather stay in and have a mellow weekend.
you realised the graying hair of your parents.
your younger sibling is graduating from university.
you've had the talk from your aunts about the big M.

Maybe I am inflicting this unnecessary pressure upon myself. I used to think it was unnecessary, but after yesterday, it struck upon me how selfish I was that I did not think of my parents. There was a point in time I told myself it would be alright, if I were to remain single and unmarried my whole life, if that was my fate. I had this crazy idea I would live my dream as a nomad and travel, without staying put at one place for long, just so life wouldn't be so mundane. It seemed easy, it seemed fun. It seemed strong and brave. But what I left out was, my parents. How would they feel? Yesterday my closest aunt pointed out to me that my parents.. they are not getting any younger. I was deluded all these while. Thinking they were still in their 30s, at most 40s - when in actual fact, they are already in their 50s. Thing is, my parents, especially Paps, has not even mentioned about the big M to me. Probably because of two reasons. One, he thinks I'm still his little kid, two, he thinks he's still young to be thinking of having grandchildren. Either case, we know, neither of that is true.

I have been holding on strongly to my belief all these while, but yesterday, it all shattered. My belief - despite the many girls my age who are attached in some way or another, I know of others, who's yet to find their significant other. And in some weird way, I seek consolation in the fact that I am not in this alone.

But yesterday, because of this very sentence, "Izzah, you are the eldest." There is nothing to fall back on. No elder sister, no elder brother.

And with that. I carry this responsibility.